Acceptance

We have known and believed that God loves us. God is love. Those who live in God's love live in God, and God lives in them. God's love has reached its goal in us. So we look ahead with confidence to the day of judgment. While we are in this world, we are exactly like him with regard to love. No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear, because fear involves punishment. The person who lives in fear doesn't have perfect love. We love because God loved us first. 1 John 4:16-19

I have really been struggling lately with acceptance. I am so angry about an unfair situation....a loss....it is really nothing when compared to what many have gone through.....no one close to me died.....it is a job....a betrayal.....someone lied to me.....went behind my back.....who among us has not had this happen?

I'll bet we all can say we have experienced it.....It is hard....hard to understand....I want to go to this person and ask WHY??? What did I do to you? I want to ask them if they understand how much they hurt me?

But the bottom line is....they don't care....they have made their mind up about me without taking the time to talk to me....without making the effort to get to know me.....as my mother would tell me if she were here.....it is there loss. I would hear this from her but I never really believed it, but you know....it is true. If someone is the kind of person who pretends to be your friend and then goes behind your back and says bad things and starts a campaign to get rid of you....to boot you from a place that you love.....a place where you have been doing a good job for four years.....without concern for the kids that you work with.....then what kind of person is she?

She is not the kind of person you want to be around anyway.....it breaks my heart......these kids have shared their lives with me.....it is a gift.....and I don't want any of my anger and bitterness to affect them....I don't want it to affect me....I want it gone....this woman is not worth it.....vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.....I know I did a good job there....I didn't get a chance to defend myself.....because I was encouraged not to....it's so unfair Lord....but life is NOT fair....look at what you went through when you were here on this earth.....you experienced the most horrible torment and cruel death and if that wasn't enough.....our heavenly father turned his back on you....he could not look at you because of my sin.....and you were willing to do that for me....you never sinned....it wasn't your stain...it was mine....and even though you went through all of that....you don't resent me for it...you have no bitterness....in fact it is the opposite....you LOVE me.....with a love that is indescribable.....that is what you want me to do....love this woman.....

I am not capable of that Lord....you will have to fill my heart with your spirit and love her for me....because my sinful ways wants revenge and an apology....she will never apologize...she will never admit she had anything to do with it.....help me Lord...help me to focus on the bigger picture.....the bigger plan.....and know that YOU are in control and that NOTHING happens without your knowledge and consent and show me this woman through your eyes....maybe she is scared....maybe she is insecure....maybe I remind her of someone who abused her....I don't know....but it is NOT about me....I know this because she doesn't know me well enough for it to be personal.....and this other lady that is taking my place....well that is just business....it's cut throat....it's about money....she wants the clients...she wants to make more money....so that is not personal....I have to learn to watch my back and not be so trusting.....it's competitive. And the third lady who lied to me....well...how can I not feel sorry for her....after all she has been through....I just know that what she says cannot be trusted....but I forgive you all....just as my father in heaven forgives me when I sin for we are all sinners....

there is not one righteous...no, not one.....and now I move to the last stage of grief.....acceptance....with your help Abba father.....no more bitterness.....Amen.

Trust

We watched the most amazing movie tonight....called 'Trust,' about a young girl....14 years old who falls victim to an online stalker and the affect her sexual assault has on her emotional well-being and her relationships with her family. It was a very well-made and well-acted film and it was very powerful....there is a scene in the movie where the girl's father is talking about how he has always loved his daughter's enthusiasm for life and her fearlessness....he shared his desire to protect her from the dangers of the world and his hope for her to see her own beauty and to to continue to look at the world as an adventurous place and not as a danger. Isn't that every parent's desire....to have their children soar through the air freely without a care in the world....but this world is a scary place....there is violence and corruption and people who will lie straight to your face and take every last thing that you have....this world is a very cold place so how do you go about remaining fearless?

Do you know anyone who is fearless....the only people I know who are fearless are those who are anchored in Christ....Jesus tells us not to fear because he is with us....we forget that sometimes....that the power that is in us is greater than the power that is in the world....there is no need to fear....remind me Lord when I feel vulnerable of YOUR great power and presence of how this world is NOT my home....and give me a fearlessness Lord so that I may witness to others the need to Trust in You and You alone! Thank you Jesus for parents who want to protect their children and be with each and every child and adult who has experience this type of violation...help them place all their pain at your feet Lord for only you can heal a wound this deep...help them to know that you NEVER allow suffering without purpose and they are NEVER alone. Thank you Lord for the work you did on the cross for each and every one of us and for your mercy and unending love and grace.....in the precious name of Jesus...our redeemer and friend...forever....Amen. :)

Thank you Jesus & Aunt Jane!

God is SO good.....I have been praying and praying about how we are going to get a keyboard for Thorben. I see him stroking the kitchen table as though there were keys there and hear him whistling tones....I believe his heart is in embedded in music and I have hated that he doesn't have the option of playing whenever he wishes here.

His mother had said it was his therapy and I can't imagine a time when he would need his 'therapy' more than now when everything in his world has changed. We took him to our dear friends, The Davis', to play when he first got here....he played some beautiful tunes without any music....but we weren't there long and we haven't been back since. Elizabeth asked him how often he would like to come over and when given some options, he chose monthly....I knew this wasn't enough but he seems like the kind of person who does not want to inconvenience anyone, especially someone he just met in a country he had just been for a few days.

So this has been something that has been worrying me...to say the least....I had been thinking of purchasing a keyboard but we really cannot afford it....and we had seen a piano for free in Salisbury....but by the time we found someone to help us go and get it...it was no longer available.....

But today God worked this out for us....He is an amazing God...isn't he?

I was hanging out with Dr. Jane talking to her about this situation while she was watering the plants at Mimosa. She just turned to me and said...."you should just borrow my keyboard...it is just sitting there and no one is using it".....I didn't even know she used to play the piano.

I asked her if she was sure and she said she was so I followed her to her house and she showed me how to put the stand together and I came home and set it up for him.

He was gone to a football game with Tommy so it was a GREAT surprise for him when he got home. I was SO excited....I could hardly wait for them to get home....I didn't get his expression when he first saw it.....because I wasn't quick enough but here are some pics of him playing it.

I hope it doesn't frustrate him because it isn't the full 88 keys....but it is bigger than most of the ones I was looking at purchasing for him....at least he can play whenever he wants to.....Thank you Dr. Jane and Jesus!

He reads music and plays by ear.....sometimes he just plays.....basically making it up as he goes....he calls it improvising.....I asked him if he had ever written a song and he said no because he didn't know how to write it down...but he is basically writing music...he is extremely talented! I am SO looking forward to listening to the music!

Home visit

The home visit went well...Valerie is very nice....she had to ask us a lot of very personal questions....about our relationship and why we want to be foster parents.....I think this was harder for Tommy than for me. We have to go and get our fingerprints done and there is extensive paperwork to complete before the first class on September 12th. I looked over it and it has a lot to do with our childhood and questions about our past....but we have not started it yet. We have a lot of work to do on our house but we have a little time to complete this work. We have to have new locks that are can be opened by kids on the inside....right now we have double sided dead bolts that are key locked on both sides and we have to lock up the meds/vitamins.

Keep us in your prayers regarding this journey.

Fear

Have you ever had God tell you to do something and you were scared….scared that you couldn’t do it….scared that it would take everything you had to do it….scared that it would change your life so drastically that you may be sorry you did it…..faith….I think I lack it sometimes…..there are times when I am SOOO sure that this is God’s will but then I let the fear in….fear is such an ugly thing….it robs us of every joy…..I watched it rob my mom of life….the things that she wanted to do but was afraid to try…..I held her hand as she walked ankle deep in the ocean and she shook from fear…..I watched her walk back and forth in front of the window during a storm due to fear…..I was determined not to live in fear….but after she died it was as if my fear grew….as if the world were more vulnerable because she was not here….she was always so fearful….I didn’t have to be….I don’t know if that makes sense….it was like she was my safety net….worrying for me…..crazy isn’t it?

We have our home visit this morning and I admit…I am afraid…..I don’t know if I am ready for this…..I am determined to move forward….despite the problems with my job…..through the fear…..God is in control! He knows the future and he has a plan and he has made it clear time and time again that he wants us to have a child in our home….if this is not the way….he will make that clear…..meanwhile…keep moving forward…..

Keep me focused on you Lord and remind me that I have the power that raised your son from the dead living inside of me……there is no reason to fear….:)

Meeting with doc

After meeting with the nurse at the school....we headed to Morganton to Table Rock Family Medicine to meet with Dr. Clay Richardson.....to get the official physician signature and completion of papers for school.....it was a very busy day!

He is scheduled to return in 2 months to get lab work to check his A1C and he will see Dr. Scott Scoggins at that time....I think he will really like Dr. Scott.

Meeting with Nurse

Today we went back to the school to meet with the nurse to get some paperwork completed regarding Thorben's diabetes. We saw the AFS board with the three students they have this year. Here is Thorben posing with the board.

They spell his last name this way and then with another e....not sure which way is correct.

Thorben with nurse...Alicia Stanislaw....very nice lady.