Parenthood---The abbreviated version

It has been so long since I have posted anything I know….but to be honest with you…I have been afraid….afraid of sounding dramatic with some of the things I have been feeling….afraid of offending someone. I had a talk with a friend of mine recently about this and they informed me that they had been a parent for over 20 years and they were not at all offended by any of the things I was sharing with them….that they in fact could connect with what I was saying….but I guess I have always felt like parenthood was this exclusive club…that I am forever excluded… it is something that Satan uses against me….everyday…to be honest….to beat me down and reinforce every insecurity that I have ever had. It is so hard for me to understand sometimes why God would not allow me to have a child of my own when He knows how I have always been the one on the outside looking in….I have always had difficulties building close friendships with women….and when you are not a mother….well…being a mother is the universal role of females…it is the purpose God gave to females….it doesn’t matter how good you are at your job….how many kids you talk to per day….or clients you see….or money you bring in….the bottom line is…you are not a mother….and I guess I always resented that. I think this is why God brought me to this place….HE wanted me to see what all the hoopla was about.

But before I start talking about this….I want to make it clear to ALL the parents out there….that I do NOT in any way shape or form compare my experience with yours….I am NOT so arrogant to think that having this beautiful young man in my home compares with having a child of my own. I have been given this privilege by God himself and by his wonderful parents, Claudia and Onofre Mendes and of course by AFS….for which I am eternally grateful. I cannot imagine how much God is going to teach me as I have already learned an enormous amount…about myself, about my marriage and life in general…and yes about what parents must go through. You see…I have a job where I teach parents how to deal with their kids….I am the kid’s therapist…they bring the kid to me when the kid is having difficulties….and I am really good at getting the kid to talk to me….because….I am NOT the parent….I am someone that is on their side….and I advocate for the kid to the parent….I try to help the parent see the kid’s point of view…..and I thought I understood the parent’s side of things….but I am just beginning to understand that I knew NOTHING….the intensity of emotions I have had in these few short days….has been unbelievable to me….and this for a young man I really have only begun to get to know….what if he were really my son….I truly do not know how parents do this….I get so excited for him when he is learning and experiencing something new….when he is getting ready to go into a soccer game….you would think it was me getting ready to enter…I am so psyched! I want to capture every event….so that his parents in Brazil will not miss a moment….I can’t imagine how very much they miss him….but how very proud they must be of this young man. He is SO independent and smart as a whip….he makes a decision and he takes responsibility but he listens to advice given…I really haven’t heard him complain….when asked he will tell you what he thinks…but complain…no. He’s a really positive person with a great attitude!

There have been a couple of occasions where Satan has convinced me that I cannot do this or that this kid doesn’t like being here and of course that old enemy ‘fear’ creeps in when I think about all the bad things that could happen to him….but my relationship with God is stronger and I have been trying really hard to take captive these thoughts and make them obedient to Christ….I know that I can do all things thought Christ who strengthens me…..and that if we trust in God…he will show us the right path….there have been so many great stories to tell and I will post some of them so you can come along on the journey….I have a little less time to write than I used to….ha I want to thank you all for your prayers…please do not stop praying for us and Matheus….he is adjusting to his new schedule…..he is on the soccer team and doing great….he had three games last week and on game nights…..he doesn’t get home until around 8:30 or so and he has to shower and eat and then start on homework….he then has a little relaxation time before bed….which is still probably too late as I know he is tired. He has some tough classes including honors anatomy and functions and modeling and he also has modern UN where he will be studying different world cultures…..and doing a project on his friend, Marco’s home country, Germany (the other AFS exchange student at WCHS). His coach teaches this class and he gets along really well with him. He has already made some friends on the soccer team and at church and will definitely make many more as he is a very outgoing young man. The girls especially like him….so we may definitely need some advice about how to handle this one….ha. We are getting better with a system for dinner and bedtime and working on a system for getting him to and from school as the bus ride is over an hour and 15 minutes for a 4 mile trip….he rode it home the first day and barely had time for a snack before he had to get back to school back for a soccer game. He got to see the whole county…ha. It was not a pleasant experience for him and we want to avoid that for him if at all possible.

Last night…he helped us set up our Wii and he helped Tommy cook some potato pancakes and then we watched a movie that he chose….Deadly Impact….it was really good. It was a really good day….relaxing too. Tommy and I took a nap yesterday afternoon….I had a headache…I had a tooth worked on Friday that was bothering me and Tommy wasn’t feeling well…we both were saying when we went upstairs that we felt bad….leaving the boy alone but it seemed to be good for him…he may be tired of having us around him all the time. In Brazil…he had a bigger house…and more space to get away….I am SOO glad he has been staying out in the living room with us most of the time and not retreating to his room as a lot of American teens do. His English is great and he will ask questions….especially when we use slang terms….like yesterday I asked him if it was ok if we just ‘hang’ here at the house….he said what is hang…..or ‘what is the deal’ …..We don’t realize all these phrases we have that only make sense to us and are not really proper English.

Well….I have to close for now….we are heading to a baptismal service at Collettesville and then a cookout…with our church. Should be really cool.

Have a super day!

Thao (Chow)

He's here!!!!

We picked up Matheus today in Charlotte after an orientation session at a hotel near the airport. He is such a cutie! He came up and gave us a hug and we immediately started chatting and getting to know each other. His English is VERY GOOD!! We got to meet many of the other exchange students also...including the other young man that was in our final choices.... Jerome...from Hong Kong. He is staying with a family from Spartenburg, SC....I think. He seems like a nice kid....everyone there seemed very nice. We talked with a family who were hosting for the first time....they had a son and daughter....they were so cute as they were SOO excited waiting for their students to arrive.

They had a map where they had put black dots for each student showing where all the exchange students are placed. Here is the one for NC and SC showing all the students.

and here is a close up of our area showing the students placed in Hickory/Lenoir area.

After we left the hotel we went to Cracker Barrel to eat...he had never been there before...he asked about getting free refills for sodas as he says this is not done in Brazil. He shared about his flight and family. He lives in a gated community there in Brazil and he has 2 older brothers, Lucas and Daniel. They seem like a very close family but he is a very confident and independent young man. I admire him for making this trip as it takes great courage and strength to spend a year away from his family at this age.

When we got home....we gave him the tour and had a small surprise for him.....a small cake....it turns out that he doesn't really eat cake.....he doesn't have much of a sweet tooth....he is the son of a dentist...ha. He is going to be a GREAT influence on us. He was very appreciative and sweet. He is used to living in a much bigger and more extravagant home so I was concerned that he may be disappointed in our humble abode.....but he seemed very happy. He really didn't bring much stuff with him so he is going to have plenty of space with the new desk and the cabinet in his room and the bathroom closet. He seems like a really great kid and I am SOO looking forward to having him in our family this coming year!!

This is SOOO exciting!!! Pray for us...all three of us...and Hershey too.

No more teasing....here is the NEWS!!!

Tommy & I @ "The Blend" Coffee Shop in Wilmington



Tommy and I have been through many stages in this journey and we are really unclear where God is leading us to be honest. We both LOVE children with all of our heart and both of us have jobs that involve working with children and adolescents.

After an unsuccessful and painful walk down the road of infertility treatments that left us broken both financially and emotionally, we considered adoption. After much prayer and consideration, we joyfully decided on adopting from China only to find that we would not qualify because of newly instituted regulations, so we regrouped and began seeking God's will again.

Resistant....I agreed to sign up and take the classes to become a foster parent as I was terrified given I had been working with these types of families and pictured me getting attached to a child and then having my heart ripped out when the child was then placed back with abusive or neglectful parents....never to see us again. But as the class progressed....I became more open to it and Tommy became more skeptical. We prayed about it and asked for prayers from our church family and had all intentions of fostering for adoption upon the completion of the class. However, about the time we finished this class is when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and we spent the next year traveling back and forth to Wilkes County to help my dad care for her....and spending time with her.

It was a hard year and it has been a hard one since. Part of me has just told God that I am too old and too tired to think about a child in my life now but He will NOT let me forget about it. There is not a day that goes by that He does not give me a sign.....a gentle reminder that Tommy and I have too much love to not share it.







I watch my husband....the way he is with kids.....he is like a kid himself....he makes them laugh....he is a ball of energy...when a baby is born on TV...I look over there and tears are streaming down his face.....OH at how I wish I could give him that. For so long Satan used this against me....told me I was nothing...not a real woman...not a real wife....because I couldn't have children.....but I know that Tommy loves me....and that God loves me.....there is a reason that God did not give me this blessing.....I think that since my mother's death, he has helped me to understand some things and my anger has subsided.....I will always grieve.....about not being a mother.....when I hear other women talk about it....that bond they have with their children....it is something I will never understand.....that love....maybe I couldn't have handled it....and God knew it...but for whatever reason....he did not allow it to happen.....I know that he has a plan.

So...what is the plan? Well...I have been begging him to show us and he finally showed my husband as Tommy felt a strong urge to become involved in the AFS program. He was introduced to this program through one of the physicians at TRFM where he goes in Glen Alpine as this doctor (Clay Richardson) and his wife had hosted foreign exchange students with AFS in the past. He gave Tommy the name and contact information of the lady who runs the program (Gerry Bair) and they talked and Tommy brought the information to me. He was so excited, he was like a kid. He shared about it and we prayed and God made it clear to us that we were to move forward. We had our annual beach trip coming up and we needed to finish the application before we left. We had to take some pictures of parts of our house which was a wreck because I had brought things from my parents house that needed to be gone through and just dumped them in our living room. I felt like there was no way to get it all done before we left for the beach including getting the house in order as we had have a meeting with Gerry here at the house prior to the acceptance of our application. Tommy and I worked our booties off and got it all finished in time for her to visit the day before we left for the beach. Looking back....It was a miracle from God....there were a couple of nights we only slept a couple of hours and then got up and went to work the next day. I think the only thing that kept me going was knowing that the school counselors were as exhausted as I was...ha (Thanks Joy Cooper---I hope you are getting some rest this summer):) It was such difficult work for me emotionally too as I was going through letters and cards and old papers. I found my dad's immigration papers in a box full of stuff that was basically junk and I also found his old divorce papers which brought up a lot of questions for me about his relationship with my older brother. So many things that God is showing me...need to be laid to rest...but you know...you have to address things before you can lay them down for good....you can't try to bury them alive....that has taken me a LONG time to understand....but that is the topic of a whole other day....

On the day of the meeting...our house was not white glove clean but it was 100% better than it had been....I wish I had taken a picture of the before...no one would have believed it! Geri walked in, introduced herself and handed us a stack of profiles and then started asking us questions while we were looking through them. Tommy answered the questions while I went through the profiles and separated them into three piles.....yes, no and maybe. In the meantime, they were suggesting that we stick with a boy as they felt this may be easier for us as we had never hosted before. The main things I looked for on the profile were the interests of the kid and the SLEP score which is a test they take that measures how well they can speak, understand and write English. Gerry brought the liaison from the local high school with her.....her name was Karen. They were both very nice and they answered our questions. They didn't have much time that day as Karen (liaison) had to get back to the school for graduation preparation and Gerry had another meeting to attend....so the meeting was a little rushed. They looked at the room where the AFS participate will be staying and gave us some suggestions such as getting the rest of our things out of the room so he will feel more comfortable. I have all my scrapbooking things in this room and we have a big desk in there and all our office supplies. Tommy and I later decided to move the big desk out into the dining area and sell our dining room set.....so that we can move a chest of drawers into the room. We still have a lot of work to do and our new visitor is arriving in just 30 days. I still need to get the scrapbooking stuff out of there and we still have to find a place for our china. I think my dad is going to give us a cedar chest that we may can put at the bottom of our stairs which may be a great place for the china. We have been getting rid of tons of stuff but still need to get rid of more. I think stuff symbolizes the past for me.....so letting go of it.....is therapeutic.

So there is the news.....we will have a young man from Brazil coming to live with us for 10 months starting August 14th. He will be attending WCHS and he will be a junior. We have had some contact with him via email and he seems like a wonderful young man....and his English is really good....he has studied it for 7 years. His name is Matheus Mendes and he is cute as a button....so we will have to have some rules about the girls......it is going to be an adventure. We have seen pictures of his family.....his father is a dentist and his mother helps also in the practice. She is a beautiful woman who looks like she is in her 30's but she is actually in her 50's. He has 2 brothers....both older and he loves to play soccer and ski. He has been to the US before so hopefully it will not be too much of a culture shock for him.

Don't ask how we picked Matheus....it was a God thing.....narrowing down.....with the help of our nephew Brad.....I believe he is the one that is supposed to be here with us....and I am SOO excited.....and a little scared....pray for us...and Matheus.....and God's guidance on this adventure of faith.

So that is what this blog is going to be about....primarily....this journey....my first experience having a child in my home.....I am SOOOO excited....I can't wait to see what happens next!
Thanks for reading...love ya.




Brad holding up my grandpa Murphy's overall's so I could take a pic of them....Brad is MUCH tall than my Paw Paw was....ha.

P.S. I want to say a big THANK YOU to my nephew Brad....who came and stayed a week with us and helped us prepare for a big yard sale at First Baptist for Mimosa on June 26th....we donated 2 trailer loads of stuff...one from my dad's basement and one from our house.......we went through TONS of stuff, moved the BIG desk out of our bedroom and into the dining area, went down memory lane with a trunk full of my grandfather's clothes, my baby clothes, letters, cards, books, printed emails, pictures, genealogy records, toys from my childhood, blankets made by my great grandmother, clothes worn by my great grandmother...even her bonnet and apron....we even found a bible that belonged to my great, great, great grandfather and it has his signature in it. I still haven't gotten rid of it...I confess...I had no where to put it but it has to go to someone in our family....so I will find someone to take it or I will put it in a safe place until I can.

Anyway...thank you boy...for not only all your muscle and sweat...and hard physical labor but for all your patience and endurance and compassion with your aunt....for your kind disposition...for your interest in my family and willingness to listen to the stories...for even asking questions...you are the most awesome 18 year old I have ever known....thank you for not rolling your eyes more often...the only time I saw you do it was when I asked you to pose with Snoopy at Carowinds for the what....third or fourth time...ha....but you still did it and managed a smile....just wanted you to know how very much you are appreciated and loved over here in the foothills. Thanks for sharing your schedule....you are going to LOVE college....and ace it too...and be an awesome success at EVERYTHING you do!!!

Also...my prayers are with the families of Karen Hoyle and Kyle Rusnak as well as J.B. Fleming who lost his beautiful wife, Judy, recently. We love you Johnny Boyd...don't pretend everything is ok....you can lean on your family....talk to us...ok?....Maybe one of you teenagers should show grandpa how to start a blog :O