Goodbye sweet Teresa

I just got a call this morning from my dad….my first cousin died this morning. I am still in shock. She is three years younger than I am but in my mind she is still just a kid. I called her dad and spoke with him and he said she had been sick for over a year. I didn’t even know. I haven’t seen her or her parents since my mom’s funeral…in April 2009….what kind of person am I? I claim to love these people but I don’t even know what is going on in their lives….whether they are living or dying….sick or well….and I claim to be a child of the king? My heart is breaking. I remember when I was a senior in high school….Teresa was a freshman and she would ride to school with me….she would hang her head out the window and moo at the cows…ha. She was a trip! I remember when my grandmother died and my other cousin had said something about her paw….she was ready to kick some butt….she was so feisty….full of passion….she always analyzed things….twisted and turned them about in her mind….looking for answers….I think that is why she and I sort of got each other…..we were like two tortured souls…watching pink Floyd and drinking wild turkey…great influence I was on her…huh? I wasn’t the one who introduced her to alcohol…and I did discourage her after I realized the level of tolerance she had….she could drink me under the table and then get up the next morning and start all over again…..not the sign of a happy person.

This was a long time ago…back before I met Tommy….so maybe things changed….but I never really talked to her….not really talked….like we used to…..about God and his love…..and the hope that I have come to believe in since God has brought Tommy into my life…..I pray that she saw that….I had sent her things…letters….blogs….notes….but never really got responses….not detailed responses…..so I don’t know….where she was with Jesus….I pray she is with him now….going Whoa….dude….you are more awesome than I ever imagined……I can hear her saying that…..I think when people start using alcohol when they are young…they stay at that age emotionally because he actions were still like a teen even though she was in her 40’s…..of course this was just based on my brief contact with her….but I have read that this is the way it is with a lot of cases of alcohol abuse…..and she did die of scoliosis of the liver….so I don’t know. I don’t really feel like I have a right to ask any questions….like was she still drinking? Was she working? Was she in the hospital? How much pain was she in? Did she have friends/family with her when she died? Did she profess a relationship with God?

None of that is any of my business….and what would it serve?....to make me feel better…..and make her family feel worse….that isn’t fair….they have to be in hell…..her parents are good people….but not folks that I have ever felt really close to. I remember looking through some old cards that I had after my mom died and I saw a bunch of cards that Teresa’s mom, Annie, had sent to me when I first went to college at Chapel Hill. They were very encouraging to me at the time as I was having a very hard time with homesickness and she had sent quite a few that were very uplifting. She had given me a few gifts for my dorm room that were really nice such as a hand stitched UNC wall-art and a prop pillow. She also gave me a really nice dish set when I moved out on my own that we are still using. She is very thoughtful and helpful and this is how she shows she cares. JD is very quiet and sort of a stern type fellow….I think he reminds me a lot of my grandmother whom I stayed a lot with when I was growing up and this is why I struggle with him.

My maw maw (as I called her) had practically raised my cousin Patricia from the time she was born when I moved here from Michigan around the age of 7 or 8. My mom got a job and I had to stay with my grandmother after school until my mom got home. Patricia was used to getting a lot of attention and coddling from both her mother and grandma as she was the younger of two children and she had been born premature with a birth defect that caused a limp and they had not expected her to live at the time she was born. She was their ‘miracle baby.’ Her mom called her ‘sissy,’ and she basically got anything she wanted. Her house was just a few feet from my grandmother’s house so she was there all the time and she was one year older than me. She was used to getting all of the attention and she did not like some new kid coming into her turf.

So, she made life difficult for me. She would accuse me of doing things to her and run to maw maw crying and tell maw maw things that I had said that I didn’t really say. It didn’t take long before it seemed to me that maw maw hated me and I hated being there. I would just go there and do my homework and wait for my mom to come and get me. I think it was during this time that I started to develop a weight problem because I would eat supper there at my maw maw’s house and then eat again when my mom got home. I was bored and unhappy and there was nothing to do there. I think I still have a lot of anger toward my cousin, Patricia, for all of this. I know she was just an insecure kid…..who didn’t have the proper prospective….and still doesn’t as far as I know….people without a conscience….you can’t expect them to care about you….that is like expecting this computer to care about you….they have as much capacity and ability to care as this computer does…..it is just not possible. My grandmother loved her….with all her heart….she didn’t know….she really didn’t know me at all…..I was just some kid that got dropped in her lap…..of course she was going to believe Patricia…she was practically her child…..and so when I have those feelings today when I see that same look from JD…..it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like me….or that he thinks this or that about me…..it is just his way…..I don’t know why I have to take everything SOOO personal.

Please help me Lord….to reconnect with my family…to realize that I have to do things on my own now….I don’t have Mikey anymore who will tell me what is going on…that someone is sick….help me to follow up my words (I love you) with actions….visits, cards, keeping in touch…..help me to truly be there for the people that I love…..please be there for JD and Annie and David and Jennifer….and all of Annie’s side of the family….and Teresa’s friends…..all those who were close to her Lord…..comfort them…..I pray Lord that you will wrap your arms around them…..give them peace and guide them through the next few days……give them strength and hope to make it Lord as only YOU can provide. Show us how we can help them LORD....gives us ways to serve others this Christmas season…..and help us remember always that it is YOUR birthday Lord…not ours!