Today has been an interesting day to say the least….but one that has been overall encouraging as God has taught me some things about myself….the question is….what am I going to do with these things….this is one of the main reasons I have decided to write about these things on this blog….for accountability….I really do want to grow into a more responsible, mature….Christlike person….and you know….sometimes that is not fun….and sometimes God tells us things that we really don’t want to hear….but they are necessary for our growth…just like parents have to do for their children.
I think I mentioned earlier that I am in the process of reading this book….Changes that Heal….and that I am currently on the section about boundaries….which has always been difficult for me….
Well….I may have also mentioned that I work for this AWESOME lady….she is a PhD psychologist who is first and foremost a follower of Jesus Christ. To be honest, I don’t think I have ever met anyone….outside of Tommy….that I have more respect for….when it comes to their character….she is a person who does not just talk it….she lives it….and I have seen her under the gun….I have seen her be attacked verbally…heck….I have attacked her verbally….and she is always gracious…..she is always willing to see the good in people...(just like my hubby)….and she is always trying to apply God’s word to every situation and circumstance…..it has been the most awesome privilege knowing her and working with her…..I consider her my close friend…at least she has been one to me MANY times when I needed her. I know this relationship is difficult for her…because of boundaries….she is my supervisor….so she has to maintain boundaries appropriate to this relationship….but sometimes I want her to be my friend….and sometimes these two roles (supervisor and friend) clash….like they did today.
I didn’t realize it until God pointed it out to me later…..but I called Jane this morning….and what I REALLY wanted was for her to make me feel better…..I was feeling OVERWHELMED and guilty….because….well….to be honest….I haven’t been doing my job….this is the bottom line…the truth….not what I wanted to hear….not what I want to admit….but the truth….God made this clear to me this afternoon when I asked for his guidance…..and I gave him some time…..words from the book that I am reading came pouring back to me…..about responsibility……about Adam and Eve in the garden pointing fingers at each other….the blame game….what is MY RESPONSIBILITY…..does the fact that my house is a wreck and I have a new person coming to live with me in 11 days make it ok not to do my job? Is she supposed to tell me it’s ok….for me not to do my job…to make me feel better….give me permission to put my life first…while she gets paid NOTHING…..I don’t think so….what kind of boundary is that….what kind of friend am I to put her in that position?
You know….I have always had ‘issues with authority’ and I think that this is one of the reasons that God put me here…at Mimosa…..I may have been able to blame my bosses in the past….because they all their own issues of control and dysfunction…they would try to force me to do things their way and it would work for a while as I would comply but then I would slip back into old patterns as I resented being made to do something and I didn’t see the purpose because I didn’t believe it their system or them…..but there is no way to blame Jane….she is one of the most sincere, most genuine, most honest people I have ever met….there are very few things that I would not do for her….I don’t think she really gets that….how much she means to me….before I hung the phone up today….I told her that I loved her….I think she thinks I mean that as an employer…..a paycheck….a job….if there is anything that she gets from this blog….I hope she gets that my love for her as a sister in Christ is sincere….and genuine….as is my respect….I have learned SOOO much from her. I truly LOVE working at Mimosa but if I had to chose between working there and being her friend, I would quit tomorrow.
I want to sincerely apologize, Dr. Jane, for putting you in this position…..and I want to promise that with God’s help…it will not happen again. I will do EVERYTHING in my power to get caught up with my work and I would like to come up with a system for keeping current notes up to date. I have some ideas but am going to talk to our mission organization lady when she returns from her vacation. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and that you know I am ALWAYS here for you.
Dear Lord….thank you for showing me my lack of responsibility and compassion for my friend….and my true motives for my call to her this morning….we all need reassurance sometimes but not through a lie…..thank you for TRUE friends that have the courage to tell me the truth even when I am pressuring them to lie to me because the lie is what I want to hear. Thank you for leading me to Mimosa and to Dr. Jane and for the lunch I had with Heather today….for all the wonderful friends that I have….I praise you for each of them Lord….especially Tommy…..be with us as we prepare for Matheus’ arrival….help us to do your will Lord….to always look to you….before we say things….that hurt those we care about….give Heather and Chris patience as they wait for the call from China, Lord…..and be with the youth and leaders from Grace Place at Big God camp….also be with Codie and Dillon Paul as they travel home from India and with Sarah and the other youth from Flemings as they prepare for the rally on Friday. We love you Lord….thank you for loving us and for your mercy and forgiveness…and for NEVER giving up on us! Amen.
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